Putting the Lord almighty at the centre of my life has been one thing I was always shaky with. But now he is the first I go to when I’m down and he has been more than faithful to me and blessed me and is still blessing me even more; spiritually not only with material things. It’s a lot! I love him more and more each day because even when I fail him, he NEVER fails me.
I’ve gone from being suicidal and suffering severe depression to being 3 months away from being a mum and being SO happy; as in the happiest I have EVER been. God is amazing, right? People ask me how do I do it, and the only answer I can give them is prayer. The power of prayer should never be underestimated, ever. All I ever pray for is strength; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I’m in such a great space now and nothing can bring me down.
Nearly 2 years ago I remember being in such a bad space, I hit rock bottom. I hated life, I hated work, I hated being around people and most of all I really hated myself. My mum was in hospital for nearly 3 months and to see her in such a state was heartbreaking; the doctors saying she would never be able to walk again; all because of an infection she got while at the hospital. I was going through a rough time.
Every time I would go to the hospital I had to go underground and I would just zone out and think about which train I wanted to jump in front of. There were a few times I had dreams about how life would be without me and I definitely had to snap out of it immediately. Long story short I had to do some serious praying to get through that period of my life.
The period between then and now has been very rocky; having my heart broken, spiritual attacks, feeling worthless. The suicidal thoughts came back one time at the end of last year and I wanted to go for a walk by the riverside near my house around 11pm; I actually remember my aunt wouldn’t allow me to go out by myself. Let me tell you that was God right then because I had planned to jump but she came with me to just rant and let out all I’m feeling and thinking. I remember that night; it was raining heavily and I was just crying in the rain and crying out to God.
To think I’ve had depression for 10 years but it only affected me severely the last 3/4 years, I’m just happy, even though it sounds bad, I’m happy I was able to deal with it the past couple years. I refuse to be filled with so much fear, hurt and anger. My heart always felt heavy and it wasn’t a nice feeling. The burden I was carrying not remembering Jesus died for all of this. I feel bad because I don’t want him to carry all my problems and all the bad things I’ve done but that’s his job. I just needed to have a repentant heart and remember he loves me no matter what.
Years later that I believe I am stronger than I have ever been. Mentally, spiritually and emotionally I feel as though I’ve had my tests in life but now all I have is testimonies to share. I’ve been doing my very best to just have faith and forget about what can’t work and probably won’t work. people have been saying ‘You can’t do this alone!’ I’ve got God, I’m not alone at all. He has been SO good to me and given me blessings that I thought I could never get, all because I had faith you know. My faith is stronger than ever. I will never doubt God because He always comes through for me. Some people don’t want to hear about God too tough they just want to blank it out, that’s cool though, we all know that nothing is by force. But one thing’s for sure; I will let my life tell you about Him.
Now depression and pregnancy isn’t my portion and I have definitely been rebuking that. I can honestly say that I haven’t once had a negative thought or suicidal thought at all and for that I thank God. This is what happens when I put Jesus at the centre of it all.