Baby Shower Appreciation..

I’m nearly at the end of the road now. I enjoyed every single moment of my baby shower. I appreciated everyone that came to celebrate this pregnancy with me. It was emotional, filled with happiness and love. I loved it because it was very intimate, just how I liked. Every person that I invited meant A LOT to me and I appreciate you all sticking around despite my wild hormones. 

I can honestly say that it wasn’t until that day when everyone did their words of encouragement that I realised I had touched so many lives and that means a lot to me more than anything itself. There was one message I got and it touched my heart. 

 Not a lot of people knew deep down what I had been going through because when others are in need I try my best to forget my problems and always help others the best way I can. I have always had that in me and for others to realise that and even let me know that it means a lot to me. 
This is a big thank you and a short and sweet blog post really to let those that attended I love you and you will always have a space in my life and CJs life (if you stick around for that half of the journey) 
I’m ready for motherhood and I couldn’t be more excited to meet my bundle of joy. I love him so much already even when his foot is kicking my ribs or whenever he moon walks on my bladder. And I have so much love to give that he will probably be sick of me eventually 😭

The Strength Of A Single Mother…

Hello hi chickens, I’ve been a bit quiet because I’ve just been trying to sort out things at home before little man arrives and fatigue is back as well, but not bad as before. This one is going to be a short one, or I hope so depending on how deep I want to get into this. Once again, I talk about my own experiences because I don’t know what others are going through at all. We all know I am very transparent about things in my life, after having suffered with severe depression I find that writing down all I am feeling and thinking is very therapeutic for me.

I never realised how much strength was needed when becoming mother, let alone a mother doing it on my own. I say doing it on my own because after finding out I was pregnant, I knew I was going to be dealing with this alone, I knew what I was setting myself up for. But from other experiences in my life and dealing with them by myself, overcoming them and now going through my first pregnancy alone I knew I had to be stronger than ever before. I had to have the mental, emotional and physical strength for two because even though I had people around me supporting me; I was going through this alone, I was going to be a parent on my own, I was going to be going through this new chapter on my own. This isn’t even a blog to shift blame on my child’s father or even play victim. This is to explain that even though things have been difficult and you may be discouraged from time to time by people and your own thoughts; you can get through it all.

After finding out I was pregnant; I already knew what the next 40 weeks were going to be like. I knew from the moment I told my child’s father I was pregnant that he wasn’t going to be involved but I told him out of respect knowing full well that I wasn’t going to get help even though I didn’t even want it. I knew that I was going to be a mother and I was going to do this alone and I knew I had to be the best that I could ever be, I didn’t want to be hard on myself but I had to work twice as hard and make sacrifices

From when he wanted me to have an abortion I knew that I was going to be my own ride or die, my own strength, my own motivator and encourager. I never, not even once, expected anything and I think that’s one reason my pregnancy has been the happiest moment of my life. I already began this journey with the mindset of “no expectations, no disappointment” the only time I would be disappointed is because of myself and I would just have to pick myself right up again. There’s so many things I wanted to do but couldn’t out of fear, but pregnancy alone has all been a learning curve for me and I had to eradicate fear. Time and time again, I did have the few killjoys telling me to man up and ask for help from him and they were just discouraging, telling me I could never do it alone and that I needed the mans help. rolls eyes to the heavens, lower case lol.

A few things have happened during pregnancy and I have managed to overcome, financial issues and emotional and mental distress – and both issues had me worrying and scared but I had to snap myself out of it. People can offer words of encouragement but it doesn’t mean anything unless you believe it yourself.

Financial Issues – Once again, from finding out I was pregnant, many thoughts were running through my head. I was thinking about how I am going to buy the basics of what is actually needed now. I had to get a new bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers, cot bed, buggy. Those have been priority this year; and I had to cancel my holiday plans this year because I wanted all my focus to be on my new arrival. Now for those that have been following me on social media, know that I am a true believer in Christ – I’m not just a “social media Christian” I been following the big man upstairs way before I even had twitter and the relationship has been a rollercoaster but it has definitely been worth it. Now I am not one to ask for help at all, I don’t like it – because people will definitely throw it back in your face somehow and just make sly digs, so I’m not into that, unless it is necessary.

Even though I was working I had other bills and commitments as well as trying to figure out how I was to pay for all the things I needed. So I had to write up a list in order of priority and buy either one or 2 items monthly. Then God came through for me in the wickedest way; praying and fasting (not food fasting) really did help a lot of the times.

I think I was about 5 months pregnant and I was just thinking I need to get all this stuff but due to other financial commitments I didn’t have a clue how I would buy anything – a close friend told me to show him the wardrobe I wanted and he offered to buy it for me – I was SO grateful for that. Not once did I even want to ask my child’s father for the money – it wasn’t even pride but I just didn’t need to; we weren’t on speaking terms so he didn’t need to know anything.

Now hear this, a week later I get that cute little letter from HM Rev. telling me how much they owe me – let’s just say it was enough to buy the buggy, cot bed, wardrobe and chest of drawers. We thank God! After struggling and being down in the dumps about how am I going to get this stuff, God came through for me when I needed him the most! This definitely encouraged me that if I continue to have faith that God will come through for me when I least expect it – and he did, once again. I got another cheque from HM Rev. and they gave me like over £300 this time and that was when I NEEDED it the most. No struggle, when things were rough – the big man upstairs came through and that is all I needed.

Emotional & Mental distress – See now when I go into this I don’t want people to think of me as ungrateful or whatever, because this was probably the only time in my pregnancy where I was en route a semi dark place but I refused to reach there. When I found out at nearly 5 months pregnant that I was having a girl. I was SO happy; from week 6 of pregnancy I had this feeling I was having a girl. I was excited about what we could do together; having my own mini me, my own little princess, my angel. I was over the moon. I had it all planned out, the trips, the outfits, doing her hair – everything I was doing, I was doing for her. I was

So imagine 3 months later, nearly 8 and a half months pregnant and you go in for a scan and they tell you you’re actually having a boy. My heart broke, like I broke down and had a panic attack in the room. It was the biggest shock ever, even bigger than me finding out that I was pregnant. I was hurt, and I didn’t have a clue what to do about it. Of course the nurses are there to tell you that your baby is healthy, is growing well and doing well. I was hearing all of that and I was happy there was nothing wrong with my bubba, but to be told one thing then to be told that they were wrong about it – it is heartbreaking. I tried so hard to put on a brave face – I didn’t have the support of the person who got me pregnant, but there was definitely nothing I could do about it. I was in this alone, this is what I signed up for so I had to deal with this the best way I could; but it was hard.

All I could do was laugh about it because if I didn’t, I would probably punch a wall and just cry in bed all day and that isn’t me… anymore. See I don’t understand why others would laugh fully knowing how I felt about having a girl, but they wont ever know unless in that situation I guess so you just have to keep it moving. For you to laugh at MY situation when you have no right to, makes me sick but what can I do, just ignore it really. It hurts but some people really don’t have manners or know how to handle situations or even sympathise. Not everything must be a joke. There have been people telling me, ‘imagine giving birth and finding out it is a girl lol’ ere how about you take that ‘lol’ elsewhere.

One thing I can say is that, this news hit me bad – I had to go in for a counselling session on how to deal with this and I have been told that I’m going to need further counselling for other underlying issues that I have been facing and have gone through. So this was definitely an emotional and mentally distressful moment during pregnancy and I have complained to the hospital about the nurse who did the first scan.

To think, normal pregnancies you don’t get more than 2 scans; if I didn’t have the 3rd and 4th scan booked, I would still be thinking I was having a baby girl. The shock during labour would have been much much worse than finding out before I had given birth, so there definitely is a reason for everything. I would have continued buying all those cute little dresses and outfits. Even though I hated pink, there was so many outfits for little girls I had purchased, and to answer your question – I didn’t return or exchange them, I have packed them away and I will be keeping them. As well as the psychological link to having a girl there definitely is a spiritual connection also, so I wont be returning them or giving them away to friends that are having girls, no.

Going through this alone was hard because I didn’t know how to cope, but I had to be strong and appreciate the fact that my child was healthy and there were no complications, but after all the laughs I did I was allowed to cry and be upset and just withdraw myself from the world for a bit, but after it all I gained strength because I had faith that there was a reason I was having a boy. There is a reason for everything. It did hurt that I was going through all of this alone, but after the pain comes the strength to overcome it all.

I did hope this was going to be short and sweet but once again I ended up doing THE most and I got all caught up in my feelings. But thank you for reading this, I really do appreciate those who have been genuinely supportive.

Young women who need someone to talk to; from depression/anxiety, needing encouragement to unplanned pregnancy & fears during pregnancy – Email me: – please give me 24 hours and I will respond to your messages 💕

When things don’t go according to plan…

So what do you do when you plan something and then everything suddenly changes…

27 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant and I was shocked beyond belief – it was unexpected and unplanned, my life was going to change and has changed so much ever since. I’m happier and I feel like I have a new purpose because I’m going to be having my own little human to look after and care for. After all the shock and fear had subsided I was calm and ready for this new journey I was about to embark on. 

14 weeks later I go for the anomaly scan where they would be able to tell me the gender – I was excited because I already knew from like week 6 that I was having a girl and I had connected with a girl. She checked me out and my little one was growing and very active as usual, they did mention something was off and that it could be a problem when it came to labour and I may be induced early. So I got booked in for an extra scan. When they were about to tell me what I was having I was so excited, but I had to pee a few times so it was easy for them to see what I was having, because my bladder was full. She then confirmed that she was 99% sure I was having a girl and described everything to me. I was over the moon that I was right, I was so excited that I was going to have a little girl. Someone that I could teach things that I wish I got taught when I was younger. 

3 months later, I’ve gone for the extra scan  that they have booked for me, to see if things were okay with me because the midwife doing the ultrasound found something and wanted to make sure that it didn’t affect me otherwise I would be having a C-Section and not a normal vaginal birth.  I asked them to double check for me because they said 99% last time I want it to be 100% that I’m having a girl, the young lady doing the scan told me “I’ll check for you, that’s no problem. We never tell patients 100% it’s always 99% or we’re not sure” 

She was in the room with 2 other nurses and they were writing notes on me to see that I was okay, the size of the baby, the growth and everything else they check. So when she was double checking to let me know I was having a girl. Then she asks me when I found out the gender, I told her 12 weeks ago and they said 99% sure it was a girl. Then she turned to me and said, “no, no you’re having a boy” 

I told her to double check again, and then she asked the other nurses and they all confirmed that it was a boy and you could see his little peen and it wasn’t the umbilical cord. I am actually having a boy.

What do you do? What do you actually do? You find out one thing, then you find out something different down the line?

I just laid there and cried, I cried not because I was angry. I cried because I was shocked – there’s only so many shocks I can take during this pregnancy. I cried because I had connected and bonded with a girl to only find out I’m having a boy. I had a panic attack, I had no words but “omg, it’s a boy” I laid there for 20 minutes crying and I had to see a midwife after to make sure I was okay as I was in a total state of shock. A whole 8 weeks before my due date, I find out I am having a boy!

They tried their best to calm me down, telling me that my baby boy is growing very well and everything is brilliant and he’s basically a text book baby with the rate he is growing. Everything is going well with the pregnancy though – still in a state of shock as I write this. 

I came home to see the girls clothes that I need to exchange and just cried some more. I still can’t believe it. I am excited, shocked, scared. I am excited to raise a beautiful little human regardless.

BUT next pregnancy, I want it to be a surprise – I am not finding out. I refuse to. 

The unmarried Christian single mother to be..


See, I don’t know if there’s anyone that can’t relate to this or if there are some that can but just don’t like to speak up on their personal life, I get that. I don’t have a problem with speaking on my life experiences and how I have learnt from them, maybe my experiences can help and encourage someone out there. I’m all about transparency, so apologies in advance. As you can tell from the title of this post, I am going to touch on my experience as the unmarried Christian single mother to be. Most of you – well those that follow me on social media and actually know me personally, know that my relationship with God comes first – He is my everything, He is my joy in the time of sorrow, peace in the time of confusion and power in the moment of weakness. I’m the type of person that does and doesn’t care what people have to say, it depends on what it is.

After I found out I was being pregnant, it’s as if my mum-to-be-radar activated instantly, anything people had to say about single mothers, being a ‘crazy’ baby mum, having kids before marriage – all of that negativity – I can’t stand it at all, and a part of me gets very irritated by peoples ignorance and opinions, but thats what it is, an opinion which definitely doesn’t mean its a fact! I always say this about majority of situations, unless you are dealing with it or have dealt with it – you can’t speak on it. By all means, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and you can say what you feel on it, but that’s it. That is MY own opinion on it, whether it’s depression, pregnancy and becoming a single mother – if you haven’t experienced it, keep it hush.

You’ve read the post about when I found out about being pregnant, I mentioned my Godmother, who is also a pastor, praying for me – see my main reason for wanting her to pray for me was because I was filled with so much fear and doubts about how pregnancy would go. I wasn’t concerned or even thinking about the “condemnation” of others – I really didn’t care about that. See the things with Christians, and I say this in the most sincere way possible – majority are choosey, lukewarm and judgemental beings. My Godmother isn’t and I was very surprised. She prayed for me that God may show mercy on me, and she also told me that I should pray that I should feel no condemnation about this all, because as much as what happened was done by sin, nobody has a right to judge me. She also told me to pray for the child’s father too, that was going to be very hard for me but I did it anyway, once I had forgiven him and forgiven myself for being angry at him – I just prayed that God will ease his heart and just deal with him however God needs to deal with him. Not once was I against him, I didn’t speak bad about him at all. He told me what he wanted me to do, I didn’t want to listen and we just stopped talking.

There was one Sunday I went to church and after service went to tell the pastor who I considered a mentor – yeah, not everyone can have that position or title, it definitely needs to be earned and I’ve just realised that. I went to him after the service and then asked him to pray for me and he was like are you scared about what people would say, he was asking questions about the child’s father and if we are together, asking what my mum had said and if she was supportive, everything under the sun. Yooo, I just came to you to ask you to pray for me – I didn’t need to be interrogated like this. A few days later, my mum and came to tell me that he was acting some type of way towards her as she works in the church, that irritated me a lot and I just disappeared from church for months – once again! I did not expect the pastor to be like that at all, not a bit of support, just trying to find out information to gossip with the other pastors.

The next few months I was in this on my own, I wasn’t going to church but I felt that I needed to work on my relationship with God ten times more than ever because I was about to be a mum, I was carrying another being, I was responsible for someone else as well as myself. Life was about to change real quick because of the new blessing that God has given me. The one thing I’d always remember is that my Godmother said my child is a blessing from God, none of this was a mistake and everything has happened for a reason – she is going to have an extraordinary purpose and she will teach me many things. Oh that is very true, I’ve learnt a lot whilst being pregnant and it’s all because of my baby girl, and for that I am truly grateful.

I had been praying like never before, read books that would encourage me spiritually, fasted (not food) and distanced myself from certain things and people. There were many times I felt like giving up but that was my time to pray. I needed to realise that prayer helped me to keep going and that very soon I was going to get a breakthrough. I prayed that God would watch over me, I prayed that God will continue to strengthen my growing baby. I would constantly say that “God didn’t say the weapons, negativity and the evil wont form against you – He just said it wouldn’t prosper. He will get me through it all.” The one thing I prayed about which to this day I still pray about is that none of my actions or experiences will not be karma to my child, I also pray that her dads actions would not affect her when she is older. I pray peace and wisdom over her life always, I pray that all the blessings I have prayed for that I haven’t got that she will receiver every single one, I pray that I have the best relationship with her from young and I am her first best friend, and I hope she never keeps anything bottled up and away from me.

I did eventually go back to church after praying about if I should go back to my old church or find a new one for the new journey I was on, but for some reason the spirit always takes me back to where I didn’t want to be and I was always uncomfortable – that did make me realise that in order to grow you have to be out of your comfort zone, so i realised that staying in my old church was the place for me to be. Funnily enough, after I went back, the word that the pastor was spitting was fire, every Sunday service I would be writing notes that I could apply to my life as a mother and a woman who is still growing in Christ! It’s amazing how God works in mysterious ways you know. But being back at church, even though I still get the weird looks, I don’t care what anyone has to say because I get told people are talking- I just keep my distance and do my jujitsu when people attempt to touch the bump, don’t do it.

All I can do is continue to pray and have faith. Prayer has gotten me through a lot and will always get me through everything. For everything I am praying about, God wants it more than I want it for myself. Be it healing, finances, health, wisdom, spiritual growth etc – God wants that breakthrough more than I do. As long as it is his according to his will for my life. I would never pray out of fear now. I always pray in faith.

Anyway, thank you for reading. Stay tuned for more posts to come…

Be blessed x

When I found out I was pregnant; Part 2 👶🎀


Right, i’m sitting there in the nurses office, and only ONE thought is going through my head… ‘What am I going to tell my mum?” It wasn’t even abortion or even telling the father of the my child; because I felt that if I didn’t have her support, this pregnancy was going to be very miserable for me. The nurse then tells me that I am 4 weeks pregnant. I’m having anxiety attacks and I’m panicking thinking ‘Who do I call?’ ‘What do I do?’ – so the nurse leaves me for a bit to calm down and I text one of my close friends. ‘Call Me.. NOW’, as soon as I that messaged said delivered – no read receipt, she calls me. ‘You’re pregnant’ she said. Me sobbing, ‘Yeah’. ‘Sh*t!’, she replied. Now out of all my close friends, this girl is the only one who knows how to calm me down when I am having anxiety attacks, she’s telling me to walk home and get some air and keep calm. I’m walking through woolwich, with my shades on crying my eyes out, just overthinking.

Those who do know about my story, me and overthinking aren’t the best of friends because it sends me to a very dark place. Nobody has time for that at all. I’m there stressing, thinking about how I’m gonna tell my mum. The fact that it was my birthday the following week was completely at the back burner of my mind – even though I had paid for the celebration already. Joy! I’ve calmed myself down, then as soon as I got through the doors of my house, I dropped to the floor and just burst out crying. I just drank some juice and just cried in bed. I felt so confused, I know how this happened but how could it happen to me. I’m not going to bad mouth the guy – I have no time for that, but this was not the circumstances I wanted to have my first child, no way.

I’m already thinking to myself; I’m going to be a single mum, nobody is going to want me because they think I’m coming with so much baggage. I’m thinking all the negative thoughts that come with being a ‘baby mum’ and I just sunk into a deep, dark funk. Dropped out of university twice, not in a relationship let alone a stable one, the only thing I have going for myself is that I’m working  a stable job and the money is better than it has ever been; other than that, if I didn’t have that, I was doomed. Doomed I tell you! I had all types of doubts that afternoon I found out and I needed to talk to someone. I had to call my Godmother. I’ve called her and I’m sobbing down the phone, sniffing in between words and she’s there thinking something terrible has happened. Yeah, my whole life has changed, since I found out I’m going to be a mum. I say to her ‘I’m sorry and I don’t want you to judge me, but I just found out I’m pregnant.’ I swear saying that, was scarier than me finding out I was pregnant. These were her exact words, ‘Okay, so why are you crying? Why do you think I will judge you? I hope you’re not thinking about getting an abortion, because that is murder, I will not allow it!’

I didn’t know what to say, I was actually speechless. By the way, my Godmother is a pastor so hearing that from her was amazing and I knew I had her support. I asked her to pray for me and she did one serious prayer for a good 25 minutes, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I swear to you, my faith has always been up and down and I definitely needed God on this new journey, because If I didn’t have Him, I was actually going to go crazy. After she prayed for me, I felt a lot calmer than I did before during the afternoon. I made dinner for my mum and myself and then went to sleep. The next day, I felt a sense of peace, like genuine inner peace within myself. After that day I told myself, that I know I’m having a girl and her one of her names will mean Peace. So her Ugandan name is Mirembe, which means Peace, the name has stuck with me and I told myself I was having a girl from day after I found out I pregnant. (Random information, I know!)

Now the day I’m going to tell my mum that I’m pregnant comes. It is a Friday morning and I’m telling my mum I need to talk to her, the first thing she says is ‘Has your period come?’ I tell her it hasn’t, she stares at me, walks out of my room, out of the house and goes to work. She didn’t even say anything to me. The evening time comes, and I reach home after her and she’s already having dinner. So we talk now and she’s already looking so disappointed, but I’m just praying that this goes well. I don’t need her being angry or disappointed at me. This is how it goes, ‘Okay I’m 5 weeks pregnant and I’m not having an abortion I didn’t know how to tell you but please don’t be angry at me.’ Exactly like that, no pauses, no breaks, all in one breath. I just panicked, once again.

So hear this, or read.. Whatever. She goes in on me, telling me I wasn’t responsible, what the guy has to say about this, what I am going to do, saying she wants to kick me out etc. We are going back and forth arguing for 20 minutes and then she says to me, ‘I’m too young to be a grandma’ laughs and then stands up to hug me……………

I can’t lie, I got a bit pissed off – you can’t be angry and then switch to being happy and over the moon just like that, I understand it’s her first grandchild. I walked off and went to bed because that pissed me off. I got over it the next day though.

when I found out I was pregnant…👶🎀


It’s now 26 weeks later and I think I’m ready to tell the story of when I found out I was pregnant. I was actually supposed to write this about 4 weeks ago, but baby brain is very real. Some may feel like it’s not all that but I just want to share it anyway and looking back on it – flipping hilarious.

So let me set the scene, I’ve JUST started my new job which isn’t in retail and I have prayed SO hard to get a decent job that doesn’t suck the life out of me. I’m about to do some intense training for 3 weeks all the way up in Kent – LONG but so worth it, because I really enjoy the job. I’m not going to go into detail about the myself and the guy because we all know what coitus is – if not, google it. But, let’s just say that contraception pills are very crap – very very crap – but I am happy that after all the shock and fear I will be meeting my baby girl in under 3 months.

Anyway, just started this job – imagine it’s just training – I haven’t even gone to the station and even started the probationary period. If i flop this training, that’s it – I get paid for it but it means I just have to go and look for another job. Bare in mind at this point I didn’t know I was pregnant, because according to my period tracker app, I was due in week. I don’t have irregular periods or anything so this was odd. But one thing I do know with me is that when I am under a lot of stress and also have an ‘excessive’ amount of alcohol – it delays my period. There was a long bank holiday weekend that I about to enjoy with friends; music, food and liquor – total enjoyment I tell ya!

Training wasn’t all that tiring but I haven’t done intense training like this before, I would wake up at 5am to make my way to Kent for 8:45am to start at 9am. It was very exhausting but if I wanted to pass training, I had to get used to it! Everyday after training I was tired, like extremely tired. I would get home at 4pm have something to eat and then sleep until 5am the next morning, I did this for 3 weeks straight. I don’t understand how and where this fatigue came from but it was oh so real. I would sleep everywhere – there was times I would fall asleep while eating dinner when I forced myself to stay up, fork in my hand and all of a sudden my mum is waking me up! I had no appetite as well, i would go the whole day with not eating but just drinking juice and lucozade to stay up and I kept peeing more than usual. I still wasn’t clocking on.

Skipping forward to my TOM due date or so I thought it would be due… So this is when the awkwardness kicks in, most females would understand this part. If you’re around any females for quite some time, somehow your monthly cycles syncs. That was my mother and I. We were due around the same time.. She came on and I didn’t *gulps* and she was asking me if I had come on and I was like ‘nope, it’s the stress of training – all the tests and revision is getting to me’ I haven’t revised anything since year 11 GCSEs so believe me, I was actually stressed.

A day went by, 3 days went by, a week went by and still no monthly visit.. I was getting very anxious at this point now. My mum is still on my case, and I’m telling her training is coming to an end, so it will be coming soon. I’ve now passed my training and I’ve started working in the station, signed the contract and I’m ready to start this new chapter in my life, little did I know I was about to start another chapter as well. 2nd week in the station and I’m telling myself I need to take a test because this can’t be happening, why is my monthly visit still not here. The funny thing is, I was getting my monthly visit symptoms, sore boobs, cramps, loss of appetite and I’ve stopped eating fried chicken (don’t ask, but it makes me sick) – but I told myself that I would get a test to have a peace of mind and then everything would be okay.

So I’ve gone to the clinic to get a pregnancy test done, the woman was asking all those questions – ‘when was your last period?’ ‘when did you have sex?’ ‘what if the test is positive, what will happen?’ I was not even trying to think about the what ifs and what not. Nope, not today. I go pee in a cup and I was waiting to be seen by someone else. My name gets called and the same nurse I saw earlier wanted to see me again and finish off with the test – I got scared because normally you see one and then see someone else after. Nope, not this time. Asking me more questions about everything, my heart is now beating in my throat and I’m thinking ‘why is she being long? Tell me its, negative and I can go home and sleep’

She went to go check the test, turned around and pulled her glasses down her nose, looked at me anxiously and said ‘it’s positive..’

I blacked out…

to be continued.

Jesus at the centre of it all…🙏🏾❤️

Putting the Lord almighty at the centre of my life has been one thing I was always shaky with. But now he is the first I go to when I’m down and he has been more than faithful to me and blessed me and is still blessing me even more; spiritually not only with material things. It’s a lot! I love him more and more each day because even when I fail him, he NEVER fails me.

I’ve gone from being suicidal and suffering severe depression to being 3 months away from being a mum and being SO happy; as in the happiest I have EVER been. God is amazing, right? People ask me how do I do it, and the only answer I can give them is prayer. The power of prayer should never be underestimated, ever. All I ever pray for is strength; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I’m in such a great space now and nothing can bring me down.

Nearly 2 years ago I remember being in such a bad space, I hit rock bottom. I hated life, I hated work, I hated being around people and most of all I really hated myself. My mum was in hospital for nearly 3 months and to see her in such a state was heartbreaking; the doctors saying she would never be able to walk again; all because of an infection she got while at the hospital. I was going through a rough time.

Every time I would go to the hospital I had to go underground and I would just zone out and think about which train I wanted to jump in front of. There were a few times I had dreams about how life would be without me and I definitely had to snap out of it immediately. Long story short I had to do some serious praying to get through that period of my life.
The period between then and now has been very rocky; having my heart broken, spiritual attacks, feeling worthless. The suicidal thoughts came back one time at the end of last year and I wanted to go for a walk by the riverside near my house around 11pm; I actually remember my aunt wouldn’t allow me to go out by myself. Let me tell you that was God right then because I had planned to jump but she came with me to just rant and let out all I’m feeling and thinking. I remember that night; it was raining heavily and I was just crying in the rain and crying out to God.

To think I’ve had depression for 10 years but it only affected me severely the last 3/4 years, I’m just happy, even though it sounds bad, I’m happy I was able to deal with it the past couple years. I refuse to be filled with so much fear, hurt and anger. My heart always felt heavy and it wasn’t a nice feeling. The burden I was carrying not remembering Jesus died for all of this. I feel bad because I don’t want him to carry all my problems and all the bad things I’ve done but that’s his job. I just needed to have a repentant heart and remember he loves me no matter what.

Years later that I believe I am stronger than I have ever been. Mentally, spiritually and emotionally I feel as though I’ve had my tests in life but now all I have is testimonies to share. I’ve been doing my very best to just have faith and forget about what can’t work and probably won’t work. people have been saying ‘You can’t do this alone!’ I’ve got God, I’m not alone at all. He has been SO good to me and given me blessings that I thought I could never get, all because I had faith you know. My faith is stronger than ever. I will never doubt God because He always comes through for me. Some people don’t want to hear about God too tough they just want to blank it out, that’s cool though, we all know that nothing is by force. But one thing’s for sure; I will let my life tell you about Him.

Now depression and pregnancy isn’t my portion and I have definitely been rebuking that. I can honestly say that I haven’t once had a negative thought or suicidal thought at all and for that I thank God. This is what happens when I put Jesus at the centre of it all.