Hello hi chickens, I’ve been a bit quiet because I’ve just been trying to sort out things at home before little man arrives and fatigue is back as well, but not bad as before. This one is going to be a short one, or I hope so depending on how deep I want to get into this. Once again, I talk about my own experiences because I don’t know what others are going through at all. We all know I am very transparent about things in my life, after having suffered with severe depression I find that writing down all I am feeling and thinking is very therapeutic for me.
I never realised how much strength was needed when becoming mother, let alone a mother doing it on my own. I say doing it on my own because after finding out I was pregnant, I knew I was going to be dealing with this alone, I knew what I was setting myself up for. But from other experiences in my life and dealing with them by myself, overcoming them and now going through my first pregnancy alone I knew I had to be stronger than ever before. I had to have the mental, emotional and physical strength for two because even though I had people around me supporting me; I was going through this alone, I was going to be a parent on my own, I was going to be going through this new chapter on my own. This isn’t even a blog to shift blame on my child’s father or even play victim. This is to explain that even though things have been difficult and you may be discouraged from time to time by people and your own thoughts; you can get through it all.
After finding out I was pregnant; I already knew what the next 40 weeks were going to be like. I knew from the moment I told my child’s father I was pregnant that he wasn’t going to be involved but I told him out of respect knowing full well that I wasn’t going to get help even though I didn’t even want it. I knew that I was going to be a mother and I was going to do this alone and I knew I had to be the best that I could ever be, I didn’t want to be hard on myself but I had to work twice as hard and make sacrifices
From when he wanted me to have an abortion I knew that I was going to be my own ride or die, my own strength, my own motivator and encourager. I never, not even once, expected anything and I think that’s one reason my pregnancy has been the happiest moment of my life. I already began this journey with the mindset of “no expectations, no disappointment” the only time I would be disappointed is because of myself and I would just have to pick myself right up again. There’s so many things I wanted to do but couldn’t out of fear, but pregnancy alone has all been a learning curve for me and I had to eradicate fear. Time and time again, I did have the few killjoys telling me to man up and ask for help from him and they were just discouraging, telling me I could never do it alone and that I needed the mans help. rolls eyes to the heavens, lower case lol.
A few things have happened during pregnancy and I have managed to overcome, financial issues and emotional and mental distress – and both issues had me worrying and scared but I had to snap myself out of it. People can offer words of encouragement but it doesn’t mean anything unless you believe it yourself.
Financial Issues – Once again, from finding out I was pregnant, many thoughts were running through my head. I was thinking about how I am going to buy the basics of what is actually needed now. I had to get a new bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers, cot bed, buggy. Those have been priority this year; and I had to cancel my holiday plans this year because I wanted all my focus to be on my new arrival. Now for those that have been following me on social media, know that I am a true believer in Christ – I’m not just a “social media Christian” I been following the big man upstairs way before I even had twitter and the relationship has been a rollercoaster but it has definitely been worth it. Now I am not one to ask for help at all, I don’t like it – because people will definitely throw it back in your face somehow and just make sly digs, so I’m not into that, unless it is necessary.
Even though I was working I had other bills and commitments as well as trying to figure out how I was to pay for all the things I needed. So I had to write up a list in order of priority and buy either one or 2 items monthly. Then God came through for me in the wickedest way; praying and fasting (not food fasting) really did help a lot of the times.
I think I was about 5 months pregnant and I was just thinking I need to get all this stuff but due to other financial commitments I didn’t have a clue how I would buy anything – a close friend told me to show him the wardrobe I wanted and he offered to buy it for me – I was SO grateful for that. Not once did I even want to ask my child’s father for the money – it wasn’t even pride but I just didn’t need to; we weren’t on speaking terms so he didn’t need to know anything.
Now hear this, a week later I get that cute little letter from HM Rev. telling me how much they owe me – let’s just say it was enough to buy the buggy, cot bed, wardrobe and chest of drawers. We thank God! After struggling and being down in the dumps about how am I going to get this stuff, God came through for me when I needed him the most! This definitely encouraged me that if I continue to have faith that God will come through for me when I least expect it – and he did, once again. I got another cheque from HM Rev. and they gave me like over £300 this time and that was when I NEEDED it the most. No struggle, when things were rough – the big man upstairs came through and that is all I needed.
Emotional & Mental distress – See now when I go into this I don’t want people to think of me as ungrateful or whatever, because this was probably the only time in my pregnancy where I was en route a semi dark place but I refused to reach there. When I found out at nearly 5 months pregnant that I was having a girl. I was SO happy; from week 6 of pregnancy I had this feeling I was having a girl. I was excited about what we could do together; having my own mini me, my own little princess, my angel. I was over the moon. I had it all planned out, the trips, the outfits, doing her hair – everything I was doing, I was doing for her. I was
So imagine 3 months later, nearly 8 and a half months pregnant and you go in for a scan and they tell you you’re actually having a boy. My heart broke, like I broke down and had a panic attack in the room. It was the biggest shock ever, even bigger than me finding out that I was pregnant. I was hurt, and I didn’t have a clue what to do about it. Of course the nurses are there to tell you that your baby is healthy, is growing well and doing well. I was hearing all of that and I was happy there was nothing wrong with my bubba, but to be told one thing then to be told that they were wrong about it – it is heartbreaking. I tried so hard to put on a brave face – I didn’t have the support of the person who got me pregnant, but there was definitely nothing I could do about it. I was in this alone, this is what I signed up for so I had to deal with this the best way I could; but it was hard.
All I could do was laugh about it because if I didn’t, I would probably punch a wall and just cry in bed all day and that isn’t me… anymore. See I don’t understand why others would laugh fully knowing how I felt about having a girl, but they wont ever know unless in that situation I guess so you just have to keep it moving. For you to laugh at MY situation when you have no right to, makes me sick but what can I do, just ignore it really. It hurts but some people really don’t have manners or know how to handle situations or even sympathise. Not everything must be a joke. There have been people telling me, ‘imagine giving birth and finding out it is a girl lol’ ere how about you take that ‘lol’ elsewhere.
One thing I can say is that, this news hit me bad – I had to go in for a counselling session on how to deal with this and I have been told that I’m going to need further counselling for other underlying issues that I have been facing and have gone through. So this was definitely an emotional and mentally distressful moment during pregnancy and I have complained to the hospital about the nurse who did the first scan.
To think, normal pregnancies you don’t get more than 2 scans; if I didn’t have the 3rd and 4th scan booked, I would still be thinking I was having a baby girl. The shock during labour would have been much much worse than finding out before I had given birth, so there definitely is a reason for everything. I would have continued buying all those cute little dresses and outfits. Even though I hated pink, there was so many outfits for little girls I had purchased, and to answer your question – I didn’t return or exchange them, I have packed them away and I will be keeping them. As well as the psychological link to having a girl there definitely is a spiritual connection also, so I wont be returning them or giving them away to friends that are having girls, no.
Going through this alone was hard because I didn’t know how to cope, but I had to be strong and appreciate the fact that my child was healthy and there were no complications, but after all the laughs I did I was allowed to cry and be upset and just withdraw myself from the world for a bit, but after it all I gained strength because I had faith that there was a reason I was having a boy. There is a reason for everything. It did hurt that I was going through all of this alone, but after the pain comes the strength to overcome it all.
I did hope this was going to be short and sweet but once again I ended up doing THE most and I got all caught up in my feelings. But thank you for reading this, I really do appreciate those who have been genuinely supportive.
Young women who need someone to talk to; from depression/anxiety, needing encouragement to unplanned pregnancy & fears during pregnancy – Email me: DearMuva@hotmail.com – please give me 24 hours and I will respond to your messages 💕